Ever wonder why God is having you go through this? Feeling like you are carrying the weight of the world and God is nowhere to be found? It’s in these times one can easily succumb to feelings of hopelessness, anger, frustration, envy, fear, sorrow, even confusion. As I lay awake due to a gastro bug I got (eating sushi most likely) I can’t rest. My body is cramping and I can’t physically get comfortable. The week before Luke caught a virus which led to further sleep deprivation and now Judah has the same bug. So there you have it in the midst of all the other drama and uneasiness with my husband officially quitting his job, being stressed about where to go from here, and now dealing with two different viruses, fevers and everything septic I am left with one question… why God?
It’s easy to feel that emptiness when life feels like it’s constantly running amuck. Like you can’t make sense out of the days or even minutes before you. Yet as I cried out in desperation tonight, I could feel God speaking into my heart. Reminding me of all my heartaches I’ve experienced over my life and how they’ve been answered by His unfailing love and grace. Within this reminiscing I’m capable of saying with certainty this too shall pass! For it’s a building block, a fundamental pillar to shape me for where He desires me to go.
As hard as this season has been, for I now God is at work in my heart. He is teaching me some of the most vital lessons one can learn and reshaping my heart for something greater. I grew up with money and a lot of it. Money for years has been an idol to some capacity. Throughout my marriage money has played different roles and filled various needs. We’ve had seasons of abundanance and seasons of scarcness. This time around as we enter a frugile season we are being taught a completely different lesson than years past. This time in our marriage we are on the same page with money. How we want to approach money. What does money mean and what role do we want money to have in our lives. See I truly believe God is preparing us so that one day when money is no longer a concern we won’t worship it like I was taught. It won’t validate insecurities or status. It will be a tool merrily for God’s kingdom.
Money, careers, illness these are some of my major stress points and I’m dealing with them all at the same time. I have been batteling myself between being a stressed out mess to trying to find peace and most importantly joy! See if I don’t have joy I’m bitter and angry. I’m envious of others freedoms. I’m frustrated at my circumstance. But joy can NOT be shaken. I felt God put this on my heart tonight, “ In this world there will be many heartaches and sarrows. Yet do not let the world take your joy for if you do you will not have faith which leads to optimism which leads to hope which leads back to joy! Protect joy! For it’s the only way to rise above the ashes.” I also felt Him say to me to not get discouraged through the journey. Enjoy it! Allow it to grow you into the joyous family you’re meant to be. Do not let money and circumstances define you. Rise above it knowing I am leading you to greener pastures. I have proven it to you in your past and I am at work now! Trust in me fully and do not let your heart be troubled. For I am a restorer and I will restore you too!”
Now when I hear God it’s not some auditory voice, however; these thoughts will come into my mind that clearly are not my own. For they are higher, full of peace, and optimism. If that wasn’t enough I get scriptures that always back up whatever I believe I’m hearing. For just as I was in my little bubble scrolling on Facebook and hearing these thoughts I get this notification on my Bible app which reads:
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things. (Ecclesiastes 11:5)
We serve a good God don’t we? Just when we feel like He is nowhere to be found He is right there saying child you are mine and I’ve got this! Stop worrying and start TRUSTING! Trust has been my word for the last three years. It started back when Judah was about a two we had taken a trip to Tahoe for the weekend. The snow was white and falling and it looked like a true winter wonderland. Yet that night things went from fairytale to nightmare. Judah went to bed that night and when he awoke a few hours later he had a 103 tempature. Being that I didn’t have any medicine with us, my husband drove out in awful conditions to get tylonal for our baby. The next morning we rushed home to only experience a scarier situation. That night Judah awoke and came into our room, I half asleep could feel him lunging at Kyle. Now my baby only cuddled with me until recently so for him to want my husband was a straight up sign something was off (lol). But upon the second lunge my mommy instincts all started sounding off! I grabbed my son turned on the light to see him shaking uncontrollably. His mouth was blue, his skin was flush, breathing was non existent. I did not know what was going on and in that moment I truly felt like I was about to lose my baby. I rushed in the bathroom, yelled for my husband to dial 911 and started to get the bathroom steamy to open up his airways. Within a few minutes he started to breathe and the shaking stopped. I handed him to the parametics where another (seizure) came upon him, his temp went from 100 to 105 all within minutes and I just remember sitting in the ambulance on our way to the hospital thinking..God please don’t take my son! Please somehow someway get us through this.
God did get us through it and although we’ve had other close calls with our son where medics had to be called, God has been faithful in answering this worried Mama’s initial prayer. He has used these experiences to help me trust in Him more and realize how much is truly out of my control. The lessons haven’t been easy but they have been worth it. For I know I am constantly learning how to give up control and trust!
This season I’m experiencing is another tool God is using to show me His goodness even when I can’t see it! In the midst of the stressors of life, He is right before me knitting together an absolute masterpiece! So I just have to ask will you trust Him before seeing the magnificiant creation He is slowly unfolding or will you remain angry, hurt, and frustrated? God is at work regardless of which path you choose but for me and this Mama’s heart I choose JOY!
Hugs,
Julie Black
Faith Based Heart by Julie Black 